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| I remember a time when I used to recite the lyrics of a song that used to be on my mind all the time in 7th grade.
"Life is like a riddle and I'm really stumped."
And it wasn't just that, there were a lot of songs from the same artist that I can relate to because of the general mentality of it. Well I can say that now, there's just, too much to love about life. I made an entry before about recalling all the good times that get buried as we live our lives. But when you take the time to dig it all up, it always amazes you how much got accumulated, and you see it all together at once and it's like.. Holy crap.Well, just seeing things the way they are now, I really have no regrets. I mainly see the difference when talking to people experiencing similar situations as I used to, and how I'm encouraging people to handle certain issues right away, for reasons that I would've never thought of back then. And then I realize I still have some unsettled issues going pretty far back, that I simply have no reason to just let them be. Regardless of how awkward it might be, it's still stepping up to the plate and doing my part, just getting it done. Then there's practically nothing I can think of that I can consider a regret.
The interesting thing is, I've observed life to be deceiving in good ways. LOL if that makes any sense. Like I could be in a risky situation in which I know disaster could be around any corner, but the main thing I decided to do differently was not to succumb to the fear and anxiety, and in a way live as though they weren't present. We all know that there are situations in which those feelings really don't help. Especially from a practical viewpoint. How is it productive to panic and wallow in despair? So it was sort of a leap of faith, and things are now better than I could've imagined before. I've learned that focus is a huge thing. It doesn't seem like anything is more important than that.
It reminds me of a scene from the movie A Beautiful Mind. When John was talking to Professor Einstien, he eventually said "John, you haven't focus." And he came back to his dorm all panicky. I remember panicking much the same several times in the past. Certain friends, all they could do was feel sorry for me. But there were 2 girls I visited in Berkeley who told me that it's never too late, and they gave me some of the most priceless advice I've ever heard. It was mainly just perspective. And it sounds like truth in it's purest form. It was like a breath of the freshest air imagineable at the time. I still have the utmost respect for the two. There are so many people in the world who could use those kinds of words, and you can hardly put a value on it.
I have so much more to say, but the moment I realize there's something else I really need to be getting to at the moment, that part of my brain shuts off and it's time to disengage. I shall continue this train of thought later. 8)
Thank you for reading!
-Anton
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| When you pay attention to the right people, it seems like everything is going uphill. Furthermore, it becomes easier to notice your own difficulties, and they don't appear so complicated anymore. It comes down to a simple decision, to not be your old self anymore and do what you'd rather be doing even if you are scared of change, or scared of what might or might not happen. Within your own comfort zone you can convince yourself that you're not afraid of anything, but somehow it's so different when you're in a different zone. Why is that? I would typically ask.. Then it would hit me that all this time, this "comfort zone" is more of a bomb shelter, and when you're in it for so long, you forget what you were hiding from all this time. And that's like throwing away the key, at least until you remember.
Every time we have some major accomplishment that radically boosts our self confidence, you'd think that would make this comfort zone less of a necessity and that you can move on from where you were back when you first created any kind of facade that still stands. And theoretically, you're more ready than ever to break out of your shell, as soon as you remember that you have a shell and remember the reason why it's there.
Personally, I remember being afraid of any kind of change for the better. Since as far back as I can remember.. It's so weird. Unless I was either pressured into it, or any other choice wasn't feasible.
Well, just yesterday I think it was, I came face-to-face with that fear, but I was able to look at it in a different light. Since it was someone whom I respect a lot who indirectly triggered it. So all of sudden, the sights are set on a different target, one that I've been so effortlessly avoiding since forever and a day. Although I know that focusing on it will only make it more clear and profound, possibly even intimidating. I think it's enough just being aware that it has held me back before and that it's purpose is outdated and obsolete, and just look ahead. Man, why couldn't this have happened sooner...
-Anton
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| First off, I'm proud to say that my days have been more productive these days than usual. I've been doing a lot of studying from random sources during leisure time, and not just any random sources. I'm a firm believer of learning from those who have fruit on their trees, for they know exactly what they're talking about, so they don't put it on a pedestal so high that nobody can reach it, as if they were studying the mysteries of the subject themselves. None of that.
But anyways, here I was laying in bed, somewhat unable to sleep. Let's see, relaxing helps, thinking boring thoughts sure helps a lot.. But all of a sudden, random flashbacks were popping into my mind. At first they were cool.. Really nice memories, and then they were scenes from shocking horror movies, the kind that really make you think if this kind of stuff could ever happen in real life. And theoretically... Anything is possible. =P
HOWEVER, that brought me to think for a moment as to why those particular memories come to mind, and not memories that are golden? I started bringing to mind some of the greatest moments in my life and then realized, I actually had to do some digging to recall that stuff. Otherwise it would all be fresh in my mind. It also had me consider what else of this sort could be buried? Now I know this whole deal about keeping the past behind you, but if the past comes up spontaneously, wouldn't you rather have memories that make you think "holy crap I'm awesome!" Instead of, I dunno, random unpredictable stuff?
I'm sure sometimes it's good to take the time to remember the good times, especially if they're not as abundant as we'd like them to be. Not so much to dwell on them, but at least to remember.
Thank you for reading. :]
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| Well, it does sort of take me back.. Although this isn't the same account I've had a long while back.
Anyways, this really is a good site to let out all my thoughts, where everyone can see them. That way you readers will know me from the inside out. As I can be rather private at times.
So I was just thinking earlier... I remembered a very interesting concept called "Lucid Dreaming." When you become conscience of a dream while it's going on. As long as you don't wake yourself up, you can control every aspect of it with your expectations, considerations and desires.. Or just thoughts in general. And this had been proven before.
I've never actually tried to learn this skill, but it made me think of something else that is catching on these days. Or at least it had been for a while.
Some of you may have read the book or seen the motion picture called "The Secret." It goes into depth over a concept that had been around for eons. Commonly referred to as "The Law of Attraction." That your thoughts and feelings attract the conditions and circumstances of your life the way a magnet does. Various things actually. The only problem with it is that it requires shedding contrary beliefs long enough to actually try it. And sometimes that is hard to do consciously, but this had been proven as well.
Anyhow, I began to compare the two concepts. Could life itself just be a really complex lucid dream? The very instant that thought came to mind, it was like... "No way... But then what else could it be?" I've actually had a couple lucid dreams, but I'd accidentally wake myself up sometimes. Or I just wouldn't always be very effective with it. Although there are many sources, I haven't taken the time to really study up on it. As with law of attraction, I have had amazing experiences with it, it's just hard to habituate putting it into practice. So I have some experience with both. But then thinking of life in the same light seriously contradicts just about everything mankind had taught us... Life as a lucid dream, I wonder if anyone had ever tried looking at life from that vantage point, and what their experience had been. It's so tempting.
Thank you for reading!
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| Some of you may have heard that I was out of town for the last five
days(roughly). It was a pretty intense trip, and there's a lot of
people I'd like to share it with. It's really a combination of several
areas of my life, different peer groups. Since a lot of the people in
this story are iffy about whether or not they want it public, I'll
leave the names out and slightly warp some of the details. But you'll
still get most of it. :]
Chapter 1
It started out with a random yet kind of severe incident that happened
to a friend. One of those really rare unexpected tickets for a BS case.
It really had nothing to do with me, although I was asked for the favor
of commuting him from Davis to the court. I really had to pull strings
to make this work out, it required driving to Davis on a Wednesday
evening while having a midterm the next day at 1:30.
Well anyways, I got in the car about 6:30pm heading to Davis. Just
after I got onto 85-S to get to 237-E, I got a call from the
"delinquent" in Davis. He was talking to a mutual friend of ours online
who's a law major currently attending USF. This friend of ours was
giving him information and advice as to what to do in court, etc.
Apparently they worked out loaning clothes that would be more suitable
for the courtroom, and I was told to go to SF to pick up the slacks,
shoes and shirt while on the way to Davis. By then I was already on
237.. Fortunately right before the 101-N ramp, which I immediately got
on. This was already turning out to be pretty hectic, my phone was
dying and driving in SF was such a pain at that time. Certain streets
had no left turn, I must've been honked at over a dozen times. It was a
relief finally getting into the apt.
Well, I decided to ask if he could come with us to Davis, just for the
heck of it. And it was cool, we got there pretty late, they were
chatting away about the whole court situation.. I went to bed(couch),
considering we'd only have until 4:30am to sleep. They apparently
decided not to sleep, wtv. But it was really good sleep for me, I had a
really vivid dream of celebrating 2011 with my brother, we looked a lot
more grown up and mature, it was awesome. It was similar to a James
Bond theme, either it was the county or the city, but some organization
passed out rings to everyone. Just for free, golden, quality.. And it
served as an iPod too. Don't ask how it was just a dream.. I was so
stoked about keeping it, but then I was woken up. We left at 5am to
drop off our SF buddy at around 6am, crossing the bay bridge along the
way, just as the sun was rising. It was really awesome.. Plus the
neighborhood he lived in was just nice, it's that experience of parking
on a steep slope that you mainly get from SF. We did stop to go inside
briefly, then started heading to San Jose.
Chapter 2
I must say, driving southbound 101 at around 6 is a really priceless
experience. All the backbreaking traffic is northbound, people coming
up from the south bay to work in the SF area.. It's pretty crazy. But
the ride was so smooth the whole way down, with the sunglasses and
all(for practical use). Well, we made really good time. We got to our
exit on 880/N First St. at around 7:13am. I remember checking the time.
According to map quest it was going to be like.. 8-something. So we had
time to kill, to just chill. He had a companion with the exact same
charge, same case #, we eventually met up and started heading to the
courtroom. Fortunately we got there early enough to find it, it was
confusing.
Anyways, the people there were ordinary random people, just as nervous
and quiet as us. Although I had much less to worry about, but it was
the environment y'know.. We got to chatting with another guy who was
waiting in this lobby with us along with several other people. He was
only in for public drunkenness. I guess it doesn't take that much to be
sent to court. Well, we finally got in, the seats were comfy, everyone
was just sitting there dead silent. To get our minds off the weird
vibes, we just started whispering to each other about random things.
Then the least expected had occurred.
The judge walked in and she introduced herself. I was stunned. My
friend then whispered into my ear, "Dude, our judge is HOT!" Yeah I was
thinking.. "No shit." That made the whole entire experience, plus her
voice was mesmerizing. I was able to chill the entire time with a
semi-glazed expression. I'm sure that helped my friend calm down too.
Later we decided that the hottest thing she said was before her
arraignment speech. "If you don't pay attention to me I will have you
kicked out of my courtroom." Wow, even now if I think about her, it
takes a while to think about something else. She was ridiculously
good-looking, this part of the experience is definitely Hollywood
material. So, their pleas were "not guilty." Then we went to SJPD to
get them booked in. They apparently had to wait 2 hours, but meanwhile
I had to go take my midterm in De Anza, so I drove off and left them
there. The thing that sucked was that my phone was dead, and they'd
have no way of contacting me, so they'd have to wait for me to get to
my house to charge the phone enough to call.
Well fortunately I got to class early, and I really had a good case for
rescheduling the midterm, and the professor accepted it and I just took
it today.. Yeah part II almost KILLED me. =/ Anyhow, I headed straight
to Mountain View to resurrect my phone. I did speed the whole way there
because I wasn't sure if they were trying to call me yet, but by the
time I called them.. They had JUST finished. So we met up at Jamba
Juice across the street from De Anza.. My friend's companion went home
and we headed straight back to Davis. Man we were both already tired by
then, although he was worse off having not slept at all, and just slept
in my car pretty much the whole ride there.. Lucky for him, the trip
was nothing since he was asleep the whole time.. For me it was just the
usual 104ish miles. But it wasn't too bad, the scenery was nice at
that time of the day.
Chapter 3
Just as we got back home, an old friend I didn't expect to see at that
moment was outside of my friend's apt complex. She actually
involuntarily inspired me during high school to enjoy myself more, and
we used to talk online a lot. Strangely enough we hardly ever met in
person, and it was always good experience. I caught her while she was
heading out to dinner with her friends or something, but she gave me
clearance to knock on her door whenever I'm bored. She lives right
upstairs from my friend(which is where I usually stay when visiting
Davis). So that was awesome! That really made the whole entire trip for
me along with that judge. I probably wouldn't have met her if it wasn't
for that favor I did for my friend, or meeting her would've just been
delayed a bit. Well, after getting inside my friend's apt, I was ready
to crash.. It was such an exhausting trip, doing all that driving.
After we woke up we did our traditional dinner at a sushi buffet and
just chilled for the rest of the day. The next day I spent most of the
time studying for that midterm, the same day there was a mini-rave
party that we were invited to. I decided I would claim to be bored to
spend some time with the girl I met the day before. However I had a
few chapters to finish reviewing and time was running out. We were
supposed to be at the party by 9, and it was around 8. Whatever amount
of time I'd leave for myself is exactly how much time I'd be able to
spend chatting with her.
The plan was a success, it was approximately 8:40 and I went to knock
on her door. Well, we had a chance to catch up for a bit. It was fun,
even though I was shaking like.. something that vibrates.. It was
insane and I just couldn't stop it. It might have been because of my
timing. She really knows how to treat a guest, first I thought I just
needed water, but it turns out this not-so-common bottle of cognac had
something better for me. I was surprised at how sweet it was compared
to others that I've tried, but in many other ways... It was so good.
She had to go to 3 different bevmos to find it. How crazy is that?
Good thing that portion didn't affect my driving, I didn't even finish
it for the safety's sake. Had I followed Russian mentality(finishing
it), it would've been a little bit risky. But probably I'd still be
okay. But this little conversation, it just really made my night. She's
just so much fun to talk to, even though I was a little out of it for
some reason.
The rave party, it was a good attempt at one, but it was still fun. I
went way overboard with the glow-sticks. And the music was pretty
interesting too. Some of it was really good. At first it was kinda
weird as there were people I didn't get along with right off the bat,
but it settled down afterwards. In the middle of it we went downtown to
woodstocks for some pizza, and then came back. It was about time to
take off so we called it a night. My friend actually met a host on
KDVS(Davis radio station). So his band might get some airplay. That was
exciting.
So he had a band practice in which my friend plays in, I usually record
their jams so they can listen to them to see how they did. They played
amazingly well, and I'm most definitely honored to be present at their
practices. They'll be famous in the near future for sure. If they chose
to be that is.
Anyways, meanwhile I was talking on AIM with a few friends. Planning
out the next weekend in which I'm heading down to LA. Man it's going to
be so much fun, they are the really fun group of people that I happen
to know. Looks like we're going to eat first, then ice skate, and the
rest we have to figure out. But I've got some ideas.
In another IM window, I'm talking to a friend who goes waaaaay back.
I've always respected this guy a lot, but there was a period of time
when we were both interested in the same girl, and there was a lot of
implicit tension. But we were able to get on the same page on this
deal. I asked him what he was up to, then he asked me. Said I was in
Davis, recording a band practice, and they're pretty damn good. I still
have to send him some of their demos. But then of course he asked about her whom also happens to go to Davis. Man we cleared up a lot during that
conversation. Came to the exact same conclusions. The best thing about it, is that we've both moved on, he had a date with whom appeared to be a very special girl, that night. I hope it went well.
Chapter 4
Well, sometime before we realized the recording of that band practice was ruined because the microphone wasn't handling the bass and drums very well. So for a good deal of time my friend was trying to fix it. The best he could do was normalize the track so the clicking and extra noise wouldn't be too loud. Not much happened the rest of the day, my friend and I just talked over all the things we've been through so far, and it lead to some pretty deep conversations. There was another friend who goes to Davis that I haven't visited for a while.. And yeah I seem to have a lot of friends there.. But anyways, it was brought to my attention that I was being kind of an ass to her and I didn't really notice it. I really come into town so rarely, and the last couple times I didn't bother to get in touch with her. I considered her a friend but I wasn't really being much of a friend. And this guy I talked to on IM during band practice said something like this too about the girl we were talking about at that moment whom we both had a thing for. He said that if I'm still interested, I should go the extra mile and pull some strings. Try to get something to work and just be there as a die-hard honest to goodness genuine friend. The only problem, I'm not that interested. She turned out later to simply not be my type.
But anyways, I digress. So yeah, the point was made that I consider myself someone's friend and lately I wasn't taking that role. In otherwords, a fake friend.. or as he called it.. a dick. It was unintentional, and since it was just brought to my intention, I felt I should at least try to get in contact to catch up. The phone dialed.. No answer.
Chapter 5
Sunday finally came, and it was my last day. It seemed that literally everyone had been sleeping in that day. My friend was lying in his bed until like.. 3 in the afternoon. Well I wanted to visit people before I headed out. I had a few friends in south Davis that I didn't have a chance to see, but since I was already in north Davis I thought I'd start with the people there.. So I called that girl whom I tried to call the night before once again, no answer. Knocked on the door of the one who treated me with some bitchin' cognac, no answer. I would've felt bad heading home without at least saying bye to her like she asked me to. So I pretty much reversed the itinerary and went to south Davis. We hung out for like.. 2 hours, just catching up. Then his roommate came down, who apparently woke up 2 hours ago. Man I wouldn't have been surprised if the rest of the town was asleep. There weren't even that many people on the road for most likely that reason. But it was cool, we were planning on having dinner later on, but it just didn't happen. So after a few hours I decided to give the girls one last chance. No dice. Meh, what an exhausting trip, I really just wanted to head back, although it would've been nice to see them.
Before I left though, I stopped off at my friend's house to empty my bladder for the trip. Then I felt prompted to borrow my friend's computer for a bit just to see if I could get in touch with either of the two I've been trying to reach all day. Fortunately the one upstairs who didn't answer the door was online, holed up in her room studying. That explains why she couldn't hear the door, not sure if there was also music blasting at the same time. Well either way, problem solved. Then I headed back home.
Man I was getting so homesick, I decided to follow every speeder that passed me by. Because I knew they knew the roads and the traffic better then everyone else. They're obviously confident enough to drive like that. Of course I didn't follow the ones that clearly didn't know how to drive. But doing that resulted in me getting back home at record time. One hour and twelve minutes. To cover 104 miles. That whole trip back just went by so quickly, and when I got home... man, that was another highlight to the trip, even though it was technically over. Finally my mom calls talking about how much she misses me, my dad text messaged me the night before. Weird, it's usually my mom who tries to reach me first. Oh well, now I have some catching up to do back here. And plenty of preparing for next weekend.
Yeah, never really had such a long seriatim trip. But it seems like the eventfulness is still carrying over here. I haven't had much time to relax yet and it doesn't look like I will during this week. Well hey it's been fun and I've learned a ton out of it. Can't wait 'til next weekend though.
Thank you for reading
The End
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